


Done Talking

by notmyyacht



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Episode: "Manhattan Transfer", Jealousy, Multi, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 19:29:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6164026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notmyyacht/pseuds/notmyyacht
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barba isn't jealous, he's just disappointed. At least, that's what he keeps telling himself after the spat with Olivia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Done Talking

**Author's Note:**

> This was kinda inspired by something Warren Leight said in an interview regarding Barba's reaction in "Manhattan Transfer" about him not only being angry at her on a professional level, but also being a little jealous. I wrote this as a way to understand that... and also have my barisi feelings play into it and where they would fit. I love both barson and barisi and it was interesting to play with that and how Barba could have gone from maybe feeling a little something for Olivia at the beginning, but years later be in love with Sonny. 
> 
> Anyway, any grammar errors are on me. Enjoy!

When she's gone, Barba collapses on the couch. He sits there, for what seems like hours, face in his hands. He eventually removes his jacket and lies back, staring up at the ceiling for god knows how long.

He should call somebody, he thinks. Inform of Lt. Benson's bias towards this case. Barba feels sick thinking about telling someone up the ladder and knowing that doing so could wreck Liv's career.

Did she not bring this upon herself though? She knew full-well that the moment Tucker became personally involved, being his lover, she, too, was personally involved. Lover. That also makes Barba feel sick.

Barba knew he had feelings for Liv for a while now. How long he never could pinpoint, himself, but somewhere down the road, platonic feelings of respect and friendship somehow became more. He knew the feeling wasn't mutual. She never looked at him the way he would at her. She was a good friend, and it was enough. It was just as well, he had kept telling himself. It would be best not to develop anything more than friendship with his colleague, and so he allowed his own feelings to be put on the backburner. Just in case, maybe someday...

_Lover._ One word can mean so much. It could imply romantic involvement, but it could also be just sex. From the way Liv had vouched for Tucker, it wasn't just sex. Barba almost smirks at the thought of Nick finding out and wonders who would be more furious. If Nick were still here, Barba would be the first to buy him a drink to cope. They could bitch about Liv's romantic choices together.

Barba jumps at the sudden ringing of his phone. He groans and sits up straight to reach into his pocket for it.

"Hello?"

It's Dodds Sr. He wants an update. This somehow makes it easier.

It's professional, Barba tries to convince himself as he tells Dodds about Liv's involvement with Tucker. The conversation is short-lived when he's finished.

When Dodds hangs up, Barba starts feeling nauseous again. He stands to grab the bottle of whiskey he keeps in the bottom drawer of his desk. He doesn't linger on the memory of the last time he opened it a couple weeks ago.

Before he's seated on the couch again, he fills his glass and downs the amber liquid. It burns his throat and the pit of his empty stomach. It crosses his mind briefly that he hasn't eaten since the bagel from earlier that morning. Whatever. He downs another.

Barba pulls out his phone again and mindlessly scrolls through his contacts. He pretends not to see Liv's name at the top and keeps scrolling. Bored, he flicks his thumb, bringing him close to the top again. He pauses at one name in particular: Detective Carisi.

Barba feels his face warm. It's a soft, comforting warmth, though. It spreads to his chest, making his heart pound. Amazing, and all Barba had to do was picture Carisi's dopey grin in order for his body to react in such a manner.  

Who'd have thought it that Barba's heart would flutter at the thought of Carisi of all people? He always knew Carisi had a thing for him; always trying to impress him, get on his good side. It wasn't until Carisi shadowed him that Barba started seeing him in another light. First, he started to respect the man a hell of a lot more. Carisi was serious about law school, serious about taking the bar. Barba had burned into his mind the look of surprise on Carisi's face when he offered to help him study. The way his eyebrows raised, the slight drop of his jaw, the look of absolute awe in his eyes...

He wouldn't tell Carisi, but he was rooting for him, hoping that he passed the bar. When Carisi thanked him for helping him, that was when the _other_ feelings showed their face. Other feelings he hadn't felt since Liv. The ones Barba had brushed aside because he knew she would never feel the same way about him.

Barba had been stewing on this revelation for a couple weeks now. This was different than Liv; he knew Carisi had feelings for him too. Barba could actually _have_ something with someone, if he let it happen. Carisi was different than Liv. He wasn't in charge of SVU. It wouldn't be as unprofessional. Lawyers and cops dated all the time, right?

Then came the bombshell Liv had dropped on Barba less than a few hours ago. It had been a rightful spark of anger, he had every right to be pissed at her, every right to be upset that she let herself be a part of the case with her bias. Tucker was her... what? Boyfriend? That's a weird word to associate with Tucker. _Lover._ Yeah, that works. Liv and Tucker, lovers.

It's a matter of being professional, Barba tells himself. It has nothing to do with his feelings for her. He isn't jealous... is he?

Barba's thumb hovers over Carisi's name. By now SVU should be getting word. Liv is probably being taken off the case, which means the whole squad is being taken off the case. Barba wonders if Liv pins the blame on him or if she keeps that part to herself. Liv isn't one for tossing blame around.

But what if she did? What if she told her team that Barba thought her bias was affecting the case -which it was- and made sure she was removed? Barba feels sick again. If she does point the finger at Barba, then Carisi will too. Carisi is loyal to Liv. He would never forgive Barba for what he has done.

The phone starts buzzing in Barba's hand again. Instead of being startled, dread fills Barba's stomach as he looks at the name of who's calling him. It's Carisi. Barba doesn't have a picture of the detective on his phone. Only the name shows up -impersonal and implying the opposite of how Barba feels.

But he isn't ready for this conversation. Whether or not it is about Liv and the case, or if it's something completely different, Barba isn't ready to talk to him.

He quickly presses 'Decline' and sits back against the couch. His breathing is heavy and his heartbeat is pounding in his ears.

It was the right thing to do, he tells himself once again. Funny, he briefly muses, how every time he has ever told himself that, he loses people. 

Barba closes his eyes and takes a couple deep breaths. For the second time that day, he holds back tears.


End file.
